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How to ruin your body in 10 easy steps
Описание: Ballet - General
We have all these articles telling us what to do to become the best dancers we can possibly be. Now this one is just for the masochists (or wannabe ones) among you! In this short tutorial, I will tell you how to ruin your body in 10 perfectly easy steps. Looking at hundreds of perfectly shaped, strong and healthy dancers has made me and many others decide to be more individual.
Just follow these ten easy steps and you'll notice instant improvement!
1. Dance without warming up
Why bother with all those pliйs, relevйs and tendues? Let's go straight to the grand jetйs and quadruple pirouettes. They are much more fun anyways. And stretching a cold muscle is such a lovely feeling after all. No more pliйs, let's do petit allegro for warmup!
Looking forward to torn ligaments, tendons and muscles.
2. Teach yourself to dance en pointe
Pointe classes are just your studio's way of trying to get more money from you. Don't listen to them. Teaching yourself pointe is fun. Just go to the local ballet store, grab the next best pointe shoe and buy it. Or order a pair online. There are many qualified sites that sell beginners shoes, such as this one: www.dance4less.com . . . All you have to do is go up on pointe somehow and run around the room. Easy!
If you have already learnt how to dance in pointe shoes, don't be sad. Why not try dancing on pointe without pointe shoes?
Looking forward to broken ankles, feet and toes, torn ligaments, tendons and muscles.
3. Do exercises only to one side
We all can do exercises to one side better than the other. Why be embarrassed by showing our bad extension to the left to others, when our right one clearly rocks? Let's just skip it. Be careful that you do everything to the front and side with one leg and everything to the back with the other one. Otherwise, the desired effect will not be fully achieved. And let's face it, even if our arabesques with the right leg are low, why should we care? When we are all primaballerinas, our personal choreographers won't include them in our dances anyways. Why waste time learning them?
Looking forwarded to being lopsided.
4. Drink less
The thing about your body needing water is, as a matter of fact, nothing but a big lie. Water is bad for you and should be avoided at all costs. Do not drink, under any circumstances, more than two glasses of water each day. If you are very eager, you can also eat a lot of salt with every meal and drink lots of soda instead of water.
Looking forward to thinking less clearly, less energized bodies and fainting.
5. Check your eating habits
You have probably heard of those nasty little things called vitamins. They are highly dangerous. Be sure to avoid them at all costs. Now this won't be easy in the beginning. Go to McDonalds or Burger King for counselling and advise on better food options. As we learnt watching the Simpsons, you should first rub your food against a piece of paper. Does the paper turn transparent? Congrats, you just found a healthy food. Eat as much of it as you can, it might not be there anymore tomorrow!
The paper does not change? Be quick to throw the bad food in disguise as far away from you as possible. You never know, it could be contagious.
Looking forward to heart risks, faster weight gain and blood clots.
6. Ignore your teacher
Admit it, that person who calls him or herself a teacher really doesn't know anything. All they do the whole day long is standing there, giving out random commands such as Pull your stomach in, knees straight, chin up etc etc etc. Then they make up the occassional French term and show off that they can indeed count until 8. Now every child at the age of 10 could do this. Therefore, ignore your teachers. And most of all, ignore those corrections. They apply in the least cases anyways. Some well informed contacts of mine reported that "teachers" decide at home, with the help of a dice, when to say which correction.
We have all these articles telling us what to do to become the best dancers we can possibly be. Now this one is just for the masochists (or wannabe ones) among you! In this short tutorial, I will tell you how to ruin your body in 10 perfectly easy steps. Looking at hundreds of perfectly shaped, strong and healthy dancers has made me and many others decide to be more individual.
Just follow these ten easy steps and you'll notice instant improvement!
1. Dance without warming up
Why bother with all those pliйs, relevйs and tendues? Let's go straight to the grand jetйs and quadruple pirouettes. They are much more fun anyways. And stretching a cold muscle is such a lovely feeling after all. No more pliйs, let's do petit allegro for warmup!
Looking forward to torn ligaments, tendons and muscles.
2. Teach yourself to dance en pointe
Pointe classes are just your studio's way of trying to get more money from you. Don't listen to them. Teaching yourself pointe is fun. Just go to the local ballet store, grab the next best pointe shoe and buy it. Or order a pair online. There are many qualified sites that sell beginners shoes, such as this one: www.dance4less.com . . . All you have to do is go up on pointe somehow and run around the room. Easy!
If you have already learnt how to dance in pointe shoes, don't be sad. Why not try dancing on pointe without pointe shoes?
Looking forward to broken ankles, feet and toes, torn ligaments, tendons and muscles.
3. Do exercises only to one side
We all can do exercises to one side better than the other. Why be embarrassed by showing our bad extension to the left to others, when our right one clearly rocks? Let's just skip it. Be careful that you do everything to the front and side with one leg and everything to the back with the other one. Otherwise, the desired effect will not be fully achieved. And let's face it, even if our arabesques with the right leg are low, why should we care? When we are all primaballerinas, our personal choreographers won't include them in our dances anyways. Why waste time learning them?
Looking forwarded to being lopsided.
4. Drink less
The thing about your body needing water is, as a matter of fact, nothing but a big lie. Water is bad for you and should be avoided at all costs. Do not drink, under any circumstances, more than two glasses of water each day. If you are very eager, you can also eat a lot of salt with every meal and drink lots of soda instead of water.
Looking forward to thinking less clearly, less energized bodies and fainting.
5. Check your eating habits
You have probably heard of those nasty little things called vitamins. They are highly dangerous. Be sure to avoid them at all costs. Now this won't be easy in the beginning. Go to McDonalds or Burger King for counselling and advise on better food options. As we learnt watching the Simpsons, you should first rub your food against a piece of paper. Does the paper turn transparent? Congrats, you just found a healthy food. Eat as much of it as you can, it might not be there anymore tomorrow!
The paper does not change? Be quick to throw the bad food in disguise as far away from you as possible. You never know, it could be contagious.
Looking forward to heart risks, faster weight gain and blood clots.
6. Ignore your teacher
Admit it, that person who calls him or herself a teacher really doesn't know anything. All they do the whole day long is standing there, giving out random commands such as Pull your stomach in, knees straight, chin up etc etc etc. Then they make up the occassional French term and show off that they can indeed count until 8. Now every child at the age of 10 could do this. Therefore, ignore your teachers. And most of all, ignore those corrections. They apply in the least cases anyways. Some well informed contacts of mine reported that "teachers" decide at home, with the help of a dice, when to say which correction.
